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| another year come and gone |
| 12.30.05 (7:40 pm) [edit] |
and what have we learned? i don't know about you, but i have learned a lot. life continues through huge loss and tragedy and most people, even though they may try to deny it, are affected for a while and then it is back to normal. i'm the very same. the tsunami of a year ago, and even the much more recent hurricane events seem distant. my life, save some high gas prices, is just the same as it was.
is that a good thing or a bad thing? i feel blessed that my home is still here and i didn't lose any family, but then again should i think that those who lost were not blessed, but rather cursed. i can't see it that way. things happen and no matter what your local fundie says they are not the great judgment of God against the heathen. things just happen. i can not see it any other way.
there of course are things that have happened to me this year that make my life drastically different. the loss of my good friend and brother Jim. his sudden death was tragic and there are still many open wounds that are slowly being healed in the lives of his family and friends. job dissapointment seems to be a constant in my life and the overwhelming feelings of terminal sameness there at times seems to suck the life right out of me.
these things and others sometimes make the lightest days seem dark, but even in my darkest hour i have hope. hope based on faith in a God that loves and a God who cares. i see it in the most unusual places. a stranded motorist on the side of the road finds help from a stranger who stops. a fellow employee whose house burned to the goriund is helped by the people she works with, clothes, linnens, money, food, and help to find a new place to live. a homless man hugged for the first time in years by a man who simply loves for he has been loved. these examples and many more i have witnessed and they bring the light back into my life. they inspire me and make me see that there is hope, and love, and good in this world.
so then i am able to regain focus and realize again that it really isn't all about me and my life it is about everyone else and their lives. i find that when i focus on others rather than on myself my life seems to be a whole lot better. these ,for me, seem to be the real moments of calrity when i come as close to undersatnding God as i believe i ever will here on this earth. for the love of others He sent His Son. for those who would even kill His Son he sent Him.
another year has come and gone, and i hope and pray that it was a good one for you. i also hope and pray that the Lord may bless you and keep you and shine the countenace of His face upon you in this New Year to come.
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| well it's that time of year |
| 12.21.05 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
fantasy football playoffs, and i'm in no way in any contention to win anything except [U]coach/owner who blew it the worst.[/U]
this season was a total bust for me. i was on top of the world this time last year. oh, but how the tide has changed. i blame myself for trying to hard to win. it was my need to remain on the top that was my demise. wasted picks on McNabb and Owens. folly on my part. untter and total devestation to say the least.
i should have known the eagles would kick me when i least expected it. they are vile and evil and truly the spawn of satan himself. please forgive me if any of you are philly fans, it is not personal towards you. i just hate the eagles and instead of listening to my conscience i picked two of them to be on my team. i am a buffon. i because of that i now wait silently to be if not in last place close to it.
it is nothing new, i've been on the bottom before, but now it is a little more bitter for i have tasted the glory of winning. i have hoisted the glorious NFL (notorious fantasy leauge) trophy high above my head and shouted you all suck, but i rule!
now i've been humbled yet again and the only consolation i have is that perhaps, if the football gods smile, a betty won't win this year. (2 out of 3 years a woman has been the victor). now i root for my enemies that they may save face for all males.
so many things to ponder and so many regrets, now i tell myself that i will never play the great game again. i am too old and it is a game for the young. i'm too busy to put the time into the game. my mind and emotions are not in it anymore. it is a frivolous waste of time, and there are so many more things i could do with my time that actually matter.
these thoughts will haunt me for the entire off season. there will be much contemplation and thought, then i will give it one more try. maybe the old man can do it one more time. yeah, i can hardly wait. the chop blockers will come back next season and dominate.
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| tommorow is my birthday |
| 12.16.05 (2:26 pm) [edit] |
but that's not why i'm writing. tommorow is also my younger brothers birthday. Josiah was born exactly 2 years after i was . wierd, i know, but kinda cool too.
my brother is a good man. he has a wonderful family and has faced trials with digninty and grace. he has been both a sinner and a saint, and had lead a life that would make a great book.
i remember once ages ago, i saw him drown in the Kalamoth river in Oregon. i saw his lifeless body dragged to the shore and knew that i would never see him again. i ran over a mile in the fastest time i have ever ran, to get help. all the while knowing that it was too late and that my life would forever be changed by his death.
i thought of our childhood. the many fights, the many laughs, and the many adventures that we shared. the way that we could communicate without talking and crack each other up with just a look. the thoughts rushed through my mind and my prayer became God please do not take away my brother. i did the typical dealing with God thing. i'll never do this again if you let him live and i'll do this all the time if you save him. then i got angry. i knew that it was his own stupid fault for swimming out into a river when he was fully clothed and not a strong swimmer was idiotic and he should have known better. then i just ran.
i ran until my lungs burned and my side ached, and i ran harder until i thought i would pass out. when i finally reached help all i can remember is the ridee back to the river in a beat up pick-up truck. we hopped hills and mowed down fences until we were at the riverbank in what seemed like seconds and years at the same time.
when we arrived he was up and breathing, thank God for boyscouts who learned CPR and for His grace to my family. i had never been so joyful in my life, i actually lept for joy and shouted to my God my thanks.
my brother has been many things in his life, a student, a minister of the gospel, a husband, a father and a cop, but he has always been my brother. i have always known that he is only a phone call away, even though we are seperated by thousands of miles now.
i can hoinestly say that when i look over my life the very best gift i ever got for my birthday was a brother. happy birthday Josiah, may we always remember the good and joyful times and may we always keep the bonds on brotehrhood tightly bound.
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| i wonder |
| 12.10.05 (8:07 pm) [edit] |
about a lot of things. i ponder and i muse thinking and thinking. most of all though i wonder when i will be a grown- up. i know that i am a man of almost 35 years of age, but most of the time i feel like the little boy who wanted to be a man.
i have had plenty of life experience, ups and downs and rounds and rounds, marriage, children, jobs, and careers. deaths, births, joy, and sorrow i am all too familiar with these experiences of life. the stuff of life, like us all, has come and gone and continues to come again.
yet, i fell as if by some strange turn of events that i have missed something. it's not that i am immature or childish. i am responsible and rational for the most part. i don't long for the days of being a child either, i just think i missed something along the way, and i don't know what it is.
i look at others from my generation and it seems like maybe they missed it too, or maybe it's the illusion that Ward Cleaver was a grown-up and unless you have a den and wear a suit to dinner you're just not cutting it in the grown up world.
perhaps even with the reference to a 50's TV show i have some kind of clue as to what i think grown-up means. i really don't know, all i know is i don'e feel grown-up, and i don't observe many grown-up people my age.
bored to tears yet? well, i think i am. maybe this is a question that will never be answered in my life, or maybe it's something that i need extensive couch time for. what ever the case it is a question that burns within me. when will i be a grown-up?
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| a prayer |
| 12.07.05 (8:23 pm) [edit] |
Almighty God,
Thank you that today my family had plenty to eat and a warm home to live in, and that we are all healthy and safe. I do not know why you are so filled with grace and love for me, and I often take it for granted and waste your precious gifts. More than anything I want to be like you Son Jesus, but I fail miserably, and yet I am assured that you still love me.
Forgive my selfishness and help me to see more clearly the many blessings that are mine. Help me to see my fellow man as your creation and worthy of not only my time and energy, but my love and respect as well. Teach me to teach my children Your love and how to walk upright before their God.
For my family and friends both here and far away I pray for your blessing to abound in their lives. I pray for the realness of encounter with you to be evident in their daily life and also that you woud continue to show your mercy and grace to them.
For Your Church I pray for Reformation. Establish in us your vision to love and accept, to put aside our own wisdom in exchange for Your wisdom. Rekindle the fire to missions both here and abroad, and renew a right spirit within us. Make us into Your image, the image of Your perfect Son, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
For Your World I ask for you continued mercy and grace. For those who do not believe I ask that you send the Holy Spirit to open blind eyes to the joy of Your salvation and the healing power of your love.
I ask these things as a humble servant, by the Holy Spirit, and in Jesus name,
Amen.
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